"twochevrons" (twochevrons)
10/03/2014 at 19:10 • Filed to: Humor, humour, haynes
17
12|
"twochevrons" (twochevrons)
10/03/2014 at 19:10 • Filed to: Humor, humour, haynes | 17
| 12 |
Came across this while looking for another classic of British car humour. Anybody who has puzzled over the classic, and inevitably entirely wrong, Haynes phrase, "Reinstallation is the reverse of removal", should get a laugh out of these definitions.
I found them at !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! – there's a bunch of great stuff there, and the "Tools of the Trade" guide further down the page was what I was actually looking for.
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise .
Translation : Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a snug fit .
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit .
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).
Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
bob and john
> twochevrons
10/03/2014 at 19:17 |
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This is brilliant!
user314
> bob and john
10/03/2014 at 20:10 |
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What is that gif from?
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bob and john
> user314
10/03/2014 at 20:10 |
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Bionicle. I used to love it as a kid (holy shit, i'm notr even 20 and saying when i was 13, i was a kid. holy shit)
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user314
> bob and john
10/03/2014 at 20:13 |
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Huh, didn't even know they did videos for that. Cool.
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user314
> twochevrons
10/03/2014 at 20:14 |
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See, for as much shit as they give Jezza for his hammers, this just shows he following the manual after all.
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bob and john
> user314
10/03/2014 at 20:16 |
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they have 4 movies for it actually. and, apperently, a 5th coming next year. I sqee'd like a fan girl when I found out about next year's video
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twochevrons
> bob and john
10/03/2014 at 23:22 |
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I'm stealing this GIF.
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bob and john
> twochevrons
10/03/2014 at 23:24 |
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twochevrons
> user314
10/03/2014 at 23:26 |
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That's what I love about my MGA. Just about all you need is a hammer and a healthy vocabulary of swear words.
Also, the factory service manual is absolutely excellent, and is actually honest about what's required to fix something, even if it does fall into the "reinstallation is the opposite of removal" fallacy, and massively oversimplifies the task of changing the oil filter (not a quick or easy job on the MGA, thanks to an awkwardly placed filter and stupid spring-loaded through-bolt construction).
Kylemaro
> twochevrons
10/05/2014 at 15:02 |
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the good news is all you need to fix it is a hammer and an adjustable spanner
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twochevrons
> Kylemaro
10/05/2014 at 15:07 |
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Svend
> bob and john
03/03/2019 at 10:34 |
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Wait until you start saying, ‘this costs how much, when I was a kid we could ten of those and still have change for the price now’, ‘I remember when all this as fields’, ‘they don’t make them like they used to’, etc... oh and you make audible noise through your mouth when you get up from a chair, or sit down in a chair, normally a sigh, or an ‘urghhhh’ or ‘huh’, etc...